The Mommy Wars revisited

It was the typical spring day in Abilene. Dust was swirling, 50 mph winds were tousling my hair, and students were rushing to see if their mailboxes contained any prized packages from Mom before 11am chapel began. On that day, I was walking from the creaky passages of Chambers Hall to the Campus Center with a fellow psychology major. In the course of our conversation, he randomly blurted out—in a negative tone, might I add--, “Why are you so career-minded, Lynley?” A bit taken aback, I questioned him as to what he meant. He simply stated that he wondered why I, a female at a private Christian school, had such lofty ambitions and dreams and not the “simple” goal of getting married and having children. I don’t quite remember the response I muttered before rushing to the safety of mailbox 6228-- Perhaps something about the millennium, the feminist movement, and world peace.

Although I cannot remember my exact retort, I can remember ruminating on this comment for days afterwards. One hears of females entering college—especially private, religious universities-- to get their “MRS” degree, but I really attributed that to the time when our mothers were in school, not when I was attending college. I thought that stereotype had died, along with one’s need to burn her bra and the notion that the female freshman either checked off “Nurse” or “Teacher” on their admission paperwork. It never crossed my mind not to go to college to gain an education. I never imagined a glass ceiling that could one day hold me back simply because of my gender. My entire life I have had goals, dreams, and ambitions that I have known I could one day fulfill (Although I did realize in about seventh grade that being a contestant on Star Search was a little too ambitious for me). In spite of these things, I can remember being slightly embarrassed about my career-driven nature when this fellow student called my ambition into question, the same way one would question a person’s tendency to be cruel to small kittens or yell at old ladies as they cross the street.

A good seven years later, here I sit at 2pm in the afternoon, in a tank top and shorts, with a baby monitor turned up loud, and a diamond ring on my left finger. Seems I did get that MRS degree. If you ask Linda Hirshman, I am the prime example of someone wasting an expensive undergraduate and graduate degree on the trivial task of raising my son. Last night I finished reading The Mommy Wars. I promised to give my review of the book and I will. First I want to answer the question that every mother must answer—regardless of employment status—“Why did you make the choice that you have?”

So why did I make the choice that I have to stay at home with Isaac during this stage of his life? It wasn’t because Tobe makes such large sums of money that we didn’t need a second income (if that were true, Isaac and I would be perusing the aisles of Nordstrom’s right now). It also wasn’t because I had found myself in a dead-end career that I hated and could not wait to leave behind. It also wasn’t because I married a man who strongly believes in the traditional roles of husband goes to the office and wife watches the babies and does the dusting during the commercials of General Hospital. I didn’t choose to stay at home simply because my mother did and my grandmother did. I don’t stay at home to wear a badge of honor that reads “Look at how I sacrifice myself for the sake of the children.” And I don’t stay at home because I feel that Isaac needs me, and only me, to care for him.

I chose to stay at home because that is what works best for our family. I chose to stay at home because I don’t think I would be a good mother or a good employee if I had to divide my time between a baby and an emotionally-taxing career. I stay at home because five years ago when Tobe and I were married we decided that this is what we wanted for our future family and planned and saved in order to make this a reality one day. Early on we decided that we wanted children and began seriously thinking about how we wanted our family to work and exist. I chose to stay-at-home because I chose to bring this child into the world to nurture and raise and I felt like the only way that I could do that successfully was to take on Motherhood full-time.

Let my choices and decisions not be mistaken for criticisms and judgments against those who don’t share my preferences. I have working mom friends, stay-at-home mom friends, part-time mom friends, and friends with no children at all. I respect each of their decisions, knowing that they too have thought about what works for their respective family and are chugging on with life just like I am, raising a child just as well (probably better—I have some pretty talented friends) as I am. The choice of whether to work or not as a mother is not indicative of the quality of mother one is. As I have stated before, not every woman is cut-out to be a good mother. It involves much more than those early desires to rock baby dolls at the age of five. Motherhood isn’t for everyone, regardless of if they are employed or if they are around their child 24/7.

I encourage all mothers and fathers to read Mommy Wars. I found it quite enlightening to read the choices made by others and the reasoning behind such decisions. Some essays really spoke to me (Iris Krasnow’s—the lady credited with starting the Mommy Wars-- and Inda Schaenen’s) while others were quite irrelevant to the everyday mom as the writer worried about hiring a nanny or firing a housekeeper. In the end, each mother spoke her opinion and was brutally honest about the choices she made. I did not agree with all of them nor understand every writer’s argument for the choice she made. However, I think a common theme emerged from these essays: Women cannot have it all at one time. They cannot have the 60 hour work week, the sole task of raising a child, and the happy family who constantly enjoys time together.. The main spark that fuels this fire called the Mommy wars is the idea that women and men should be completely equal, right down to domestic abilities and responsibilities. This equation does not work and will never work, not because one gender is superior over the other, but because there simply is not enough time in the day for today’s lofty American goals to all be accomplished. Something has to give somewhere. Men aren’t agonizing over trying to be a full-time dad and maintain a successful career, all while perfecting the perfect double chocolate brownie and scrap booking every important family moment. Yet women are putting on the power suits, fastening the nursing bra, and tying on the apron all at one time and then mud-slinging when everything does not come together perfectly.

I stay-at-home because it is the choice that works for me and my family. Although I do not feel like I have abandoned my education or my career, I can sometimes be sensitive about my side in the supposed Mommy Wars. Months and months ago, someone made a comment to me about staying-at-home that I perceived as negative. It has been eating at me and I just have felt very defensive and upset by this statement that was made. The other night I finally told Tobe about it and he laughed. He was able to blow-off the comment that has been driving me bananas in 0.7 seconds and had me see the foolishness in worrying about the statements of others.

I doubt one day Isaac and any future children we may have will bow down and praise me for the choices I made in my parenting. (I will settle for a nice Mother’s Day card and an expensive Christmas present). There will most likely be times when he wishes that I wasn’t around so much (like today when he really wanted to stick his chubby fingers in the VCR). However, I am happy with my choice, one that most likely will morph and change over the years. And perhaps one day I will make a degree to proudly hang next to our other certificates of higher learning. This one will be on construction paper and written in crayon it will read “Lynley Phillips. Doctorate in MRS.”