Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Pool Rules Courtesy of Savethephillipsfamily

Yesterday afternoon the temperature gage in my car read 109 degrees.

Unless I have unknowingly moved to Arizona and am planning on xeriscaping my front yard, 109 degrees is not okay with me.

Due to our extreme heat (which will continue until November when we might be blessed with a cold snap of 72 degree weather), we are forced to retreat to the cool waters of our community pool if we dare venture outside.

My fair city is blessed with two excellent community pools. Growing up I lived in a town whose community pool was less than excellent. It typically had a long garden hose feeding water into it on a continuous basis due to a large leak and sported a baby pool consisting of a 6 inch deep rectangle surrounded by concrete. Although I swam in this pool on a daily basis as part of a swim team, I never graced it waters for any leisurely activity.

Imagine my surprise when Tobe and I moved here seven years ago and discovered that a community pool can be nice and free from ominous cracks in the depths of the deep end.

Our family visits the pool on a regular basis (The children and I have already gone three times this week...and it is just now Wednesday.). We all enjoying splashing around in the water and attempting to fool our bodies from thinking we are spending time outdoors in what some may consider desert-like temperatures.

Being a frequent patron of the community pool has made me realize not everyone understands the social mores which are involved in such a group activity. This has prompted me to share a few of the basic Pool Rules I believe everyone should follow while enjoying my local community pool. Rule #1: If you currently are growing a beard, wearing some sort of supportive undergarments, or partake in mandatory state-standardized tests during the month of April...then you are likely taller than the height limit for the kiddie pool. Please know if you do not heed the height requirement, I will pull out my mean mama attitude and get the lifeguard to toss you back to the regular pool.

Rule #2: If your child believes the pool toys I have lugged from the parking lot into the pool in 100+ degree temperatures are community toys, he/she is sadly mistaken. Although I believe in sharing, I also believe in fearing the cyrpto virus as your one year old gums our squirt alligator.

Rule #3: The community pool is meant for families to enjoy some quality time together in refreshing water. It is not meant to serve as a place for you to show off your extreme swimsuit. I would greatly appreciate it if the unnecessary bikinis, speedos, and exposed back hair would be saved for swimming in the privacy of your backyard.

Rule #4: If you are a mom who can pull off the bikini look by sporting toned abs and jiggle-free thighs, please understand that I will glare at you along with the other mommies desperately attempting to hide their baby bellies in tankinis. It is not that we don't like you, it is just that we do not understand how your belly stayed so flat after birthing children.
(Okay, maybe we don't like you.)
Rule #5: Middle-aged men, please understand that the 15 year old lifeguard has no interest in hearing your mundane story...unless that story has to do with your ability to get tickets to Taylor Swift's latest tour or if the 17 year old boy in her Spanish class is interested in her.

Rule #6: If you decide to bring your young child swimming, please decide to watch said young child. I already have my hands full attempting to watch a fearless little girl do her best impersonation of a fish and keep an eye on a determined four year old boy in gray goggles. My conscious will not let me ignore the fact that your 15 month old daughter is wading in water too deep for her while you scan US Weekly from the side of the pool.

Any rules you might care to add?

1 comment:

Smockity Frocks said...

7. Please, keep all breast implants and tattoos peeking out of hiney cracks under wraps at all times.

8. If you so choose to expose said implants and/or tattoos, I can not be responsible for any and all comments SPOKEN AT TOP VOLUME by an outspoken 3 yr. old.